glass shattering on mute.
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: I don't know what this is...I made it at the spur of the moment of why Subaru took off his gloves and his obsession with Seishirou showing how much he really loves him.


Disclaimer: X is by Clamp.  
  
Glass shattering on mute. By Miyamoto Yui  
  
It only took a moment until I saw myself through the mirror. My hand clung onto my shirt as my heart squeezed itself into a chaotic frenzy. Funny how these little things get to you.  
  
I saw you the other day. You had e-mailed me and I got all flustered. I thought I was going to die when I found a number that said, 'Call me whenever'.  
  
You were always careless like that.  
  
And like the fool that had scorned you away the week before, I dialed the phone. I gave it a day to sit so that I wouldn't appear too enthusiastic though my hand was shaking with the rest of my body.  
  
I can't even breath and I'm just thinking about it. I had fallen hard for you. And like an idiot, you choose to forget this single fact about me: I never forget.  
  
"I know you." I had said while laughing and answering a question you had asked me.  
  
"Oh yeah, you did," you answered nonchalantly.  
  
I was hurt by that. You had always made a strange way of making me feel special yet useless at the same time. Had you lied to me throughout that whole time once more? You didn't know but I was thoroughly insulted when you replied that way.  
  
Was I loving a memory or the person on the other end of this telephone conversation?  
  
Maybe, masochistic as it was, I was doing both. A dream and the jerk on the line.  
  
"Call me. Let's go out together." You told me.  
  
You're teasing me again. And I don't know what to distinguish this as. Were you messing with my mind or my heart? You were always so good at doing both, you know that? Of course you do, Dear.  
  
On the street the next day, my fate had killed me. In the crowded streets as I was walking off the curb, you called my name as our eyes met. I wanted to look away but then I stood there looking at you mesmerized by the moment.  
  
I had not seen you for so long that I thought I was dreaming.  
  
You caught my hand and I found myself wrapping my arms around your neck.  
  
"I have to go," you told me with a smile.  
  
But I knew it was sincere. I know how you wear your smiles like a trump card that manipulated humanity in your hands. Even me, someone you had once loved.  
  
"My friends are going to leave me at this rate," you said.  
  
"What about me?" I had wanted to say, but instead I swallowed my pride in the process.  
  
I nodded my head and smiled as always. "Okay. Take care of yourself."  
  
My obsession became like a tear in my palm. I reached out to him and took his hand. I squeezed it as I watched him become swallowed by the crowd forming once again between us.  
  
The world always got in the way like that.  
  
"Take care," he answered back.  
  
I turned around with a smile. But I knew long before the night was gone, it would turn into a frown and I would cry in my room as I sat on my bed.  
  
I was left all alone again.  
  
I stood there next to the white sheets of some hotel room and looked out the window. Closing the curtains and ending the beautiful scene below me, I sat on the bed.  
  
My heart was still burning and my throat was becoming dry. This is what happens when your heart is breaking.  
  
The silence is even scarier. It's the sound of a breaking heart.  
  
I smelled shirt I had worn. It still had your scent on it. I didn't want to let it go. Maybe I will never wash it.  
  
It's all I have left. I clenched it as I felt my blood coming from my hands as my fingernails digged into my palm even through the leather.  
  
The gloves have your scent too. Damn these gloves.  
  
I couldn't hold your hands with my fingers no matter how hard I tried. I squeezed your hand to feel if you were there.  
  
You were still cold. Cold as your heart.  
  
Your warm façade couldn't fool my mind, but my heart was melting with you.  
  
I shook my head as I took the shirt in my hands and threw it to the mirror in front of me.  
  
Cling. A button had touched the glass surface as the shirt fell to the ground.  
  
My hands shook violently. "Why?"  
  
I couldn't look at myself anymore. I was so ashamed of myself.  
  
How perfect someone can be until they fall from grace when they meet the object of their affections?  
  
"I HATE YOU SEISHIROU!" I shouted with all of my heart.  
  
I then began to cry uncontrollably. "I hate knowing that whenever I reach for you, I can touch you.  
  
But I can never catch your heart. You'll never love me the way I love you."  
  
I threw the curtains open. With all my might, I threw my gloves out of the window.  
  
It was then the next day, on a random path, once more, though I had casted you off of my soul, you said hello to me.  
  
You hugged me and I leaned back my head on your chest.  
  
"I'll see you later, Subaru. I've got to go," you said.  
  
I caught your hand. Mine bled with my heart into yours.  
  
I could feel your fingers. You squeezed mine back.  
  
I know you don't love me, but how could you cruelly act like you do?  
  
And yet, how can I masochistically still love you with all my heart despite everything you've ever done to me?  
  
To thrust the wound even further, you whisper to my ear, "I love you.but only as a friend."  
  
Then, you let go and immersed yourself into the crowd once more.  
  
I stood there unable to breathe. I couldn't even cry.  
  
We can't even be friends.  
  
Maybe that was just as painful as hearing that you didn't love me at all.  
  
That day hasn't come yet. But the silence is just as strong.  
  
That's the sound when your heart is breaking. Glass shattering on mute.  
  
-- author's note: * sighs * I don't know what had happened. I made this in 20 minutes when I thought of someone I had met after a long time. It's pretty much accurate, but as I described with Subaru, I felt a burning in my heart as if it were breaking while I typed away. I wish sometimes that I could scream the things I write out. But I really like the title. * sniff, sniff *  
  
I'm sorry that this makes no sense at all, but I couldn't live with keeping this feeling to myself anymore. This is dedicated to all those who have ever had unrequited love. 


End file.
